A Year in Letters
Issue 05: How do you measure a year in the life?
This year in no particular order because what is linear time anymore:
I graduated college after 7 years, got my first steady job at a company I actually like, worked on fun design projects (branding, books, illustrations), worked on infuriating projects, went bowling for the first time since my accident, threw my dad a surprise 50th birthday party, got into baking, had weekly movie nights with friends, got semi-comfortable with online shopping, bought online classes I have yet to start, fell in love with BTS, fully immersed myself into the kpop world, started a stan twitter account, started a blog / newsletter, stopped reading books, rage donated to trusted orgs, got loud on my political stance on social media, celebrated birthdays and Christmas at home for the first time in forever, went on a social media break, got used to video calls, got burned out over taking on too much freelance work, hired my first intern, cried over my thesis, cried over kpop boys, cried turning over a student org that I helped build, cried over our last org meeting, cried over Taylor Swift… Cried over almost anything and everything. Happy / sad / frustrated / tired tears. All of them. Just a lot of crying for many different reasons. Which isn't really new for me, but it just meant more this year, I guess.
I don't have the energy to equate what kind of year this has been into coherent and profound ways, but long story short, I survi-ived. I don’t want to downplay everything we've lost this year, but as an eternal optimist, I will be holding onto the pockets of joy that this year has given me because I am hardwired that way and I wouldn't know how else to cope.
One of those pockets of joy contain all the notes and letters I received this year. I didn't realize how much I had gotten until it literally became a struggle to close my desk drawer. As a hoarder of memories, best believe I kept them all.
As a Lara Jean Song Covey girl, I have always loved writing letters. Even if they go unanswered, at least it's out there. I'm not usually the one receiving them, but this year was different. As I reread all those notes and letters, I was once again reminded that I am well loved by the people who love me, and these days that is more than enough. We have spent most of this year apart, through birthdays, important milestones and holidays, and yet I am held together tightly by all these words. These words that they took the time out of their day to write down on paper and send to me the "old fashioned" way. It matters. It's almost all the love languages rolled into one — time, words, gift, service.
It's really funny how life works sometimes. Last year, I did some tidying up with things that didn't bring me joy and I ended up emptying out a box of old letters and remnants of my youth. Not that they didn't give me joy back then, but it just felt like the right time to say goodbye and close that chapter. I remember thinking that it's so weird to say goodbye to things that once took up so much space of who you are, but I had to remind myself that letting go and saying goodbye is how we make space for new things, new experiences, and new loves. And here we are, a year later, filling up that space with just exactly that.
I don't have a count of the letters and notes I've sent out this year, but I know that my box of cards has significantly depleted and I love that I get to really use them now. Not just for special occasions, but for "just because" days. Like the one I sent to my lolas and tita. They live very far away from us, so we usually make it a point to visit them at least once or twice a year. Since I am still not brave enough for any outside activity, I was unable to join this year. I wrote them letters instead. This one was more old fashioned because I had to update my 96-year old lola on everything, and it's not like she has social media to see all my nonsense and in-betweens. I ended up writing her 4 pages of everything — how I'm doing, how I graduated with honors and that I was now employed. She was always worried that I wouldn't be able to get a job because I am a person with a physical disability, and of course the power of internet is something she can't quite grasp. As with all my letters, I don't expect to hear back, but I hope that she found some comfort in my letter knowing that I was doing well.
This year, I made it a point that even though the holidays were different, my gifts remained homemade and personal — from the tags to the gifts themselves.
A few days before Christmas, my brother watched as I cut my newly printed Christmas tags. He waited patiently as I wrote the letters to be added to the gifts that he was delivering that day (my own personal reindeer). As he helped me put away my big ol' trusty cutter he asked, "Grabe, what is it to be loved by Aia?"
I know it was rhetorical, but I had to pause for a minute to take that in.
I would like to think that I'm at a good level of self-awareness, but I haven't gone to that level yet. I have never thought about it. I really wouldn't know. And I don't think that's for me to answer, really. I might have some friends who don't share the same love for notes and letters, and that's okay! Maybe a little selfish for me to "bombard" them with it? I don't know. I just know that I consciously want to live my life in love and in all the ways it can trickle down to. And honestly, after the year we've had, what is there to lose?
I just hope that in writing notes and letters, the people I love know and feel that I have loved them the best that I could, especially this year. I hope they know that I am always on their team, rooting for them and cheering them on. I hope they know that even though I may not always be physically and emotionally there, I will always be there when it counts. If that translates through the many different ways I show them my love, then I would like to think that I have been living my life well.
This year has been A YEAR, Dear Void. I hope that you held on to your joys and didn't let anyone or anything take it away from you. That joy is yours to keep (or to share). And if holding on was the only thing you did this year, that is enough. You are enough. You did well.
If there's one thing I wish for you next year and in the years to come, it’s that you measure your life in love — the soft kind, the strong kind, the deep kind, in big things, in little things, and everything in between (daylights, sunsets, midnights, cups of coffee, etc.). Do it for yourself. And then if and when you're ready, for the rest of your small world. (Yes, once again, just that bit around you. I will never shut up about it.) 10/10 would recommend.
Happy new year, Dear Void. You don't have to end strong this year or start strong next year. Just be here. Live your life in whatever ways you know how. We'll figure out the rest along the way.
Yours from afar,
Aia
This is so endearing to read, Aia! This makes me want to nurture my relationships more. Happy to know an ARMY like you. Cheers to a new year! 💜