Dear Lara Jean

Issue 07: An open letter to my favorite girl

Today is a day of love, and what better way to celebrate than to write you a letter.

I started writing this at 3am after watching our last movie for a second time tonight. It was the perfect send off to an emotional journey I've revisited more times than I would like to admit, but this farewell felt so good and so right.

After rewatching all these movies and revisiting parts of the books, I can honestly say that you are truly the mirror of my soul. Seeing myself on screen in these movies has been something quite special and something that only our fellow Lara Jean Song Covey people would understand. I met the movie version of you at a time when there was a pretty heavy romcom drought. I was starved of a really great romcom that could make me feel. And that's exactly what you did and more.

You took me back to a time when everything felt so big and important. And they were. I just didn't realize that even when the big-ness of it all seemed to disintegrate through the years, the bits and pieces of it still felt overwhelming. I have often wondered about situations I could've handled differently when I was younger. What if I had made different choices, or had the right words to say, or said what I actually meant to say and not a watered down version of it? All of these different scenarios have presented themselves in these movies and they almost felt like a time machine. Watching you (me) grow and overcome all of these scenarios in the movies has answered a lot of 'what ifs' in my head (and in my heart), even if it's not particularly in my favor. It helped me to see things from different perspectives and understand myself and other people and their choices better.

I love us, but we are definitely flawed, imperfect, and works in progress. We're not very good at confrontations and having difficult conversations. We overthink a lot. We're impulsive. We make questionable choices. And for all our talk about love... Being vulnerable in the realest way? Not there yet. You are the best and worst version of myself, and it has truly been a journey to see that from a third person perspective. The way I have put my past, present, and future hopes, wishes and prayers (cc: Papa G) on you has been something almost healing for me. It was a lot of grief, angst, and anxiety that I never knew where to put until you came along.

I guess all of this is to really just say thank you. Thank you for helping me find the bits and pieces of me that I lost when I was younger. Thank you for making it okay to be in my feelings again. Thank you for reminding me who I am — someone who will always carry her heart on her sleeves. It is what it is. We were just wired this way. And I honestly think it's our greatest gift to have and to give.

Thank you for reminding me that life is too short not to be romantic and corny and loud and attentive about the things you care about. It has taken me most of my adult life to finally grow into these traits that people around me have always branded as "too soft" and "overemotional," and they were probably right. But it's only now that I have learned to carry them as my strengths. It's only now that I'm learning to properly navigate my way around them. And it's only now that I am using them for something enriching and purposeful. (Like helping friends unpack emotional baggage, but that's for another letter.) I will forever be growing into these emotions that feel too big, but it's going to be ok because I have you.

I'm gonna miss you a 12, Lara Jean. I will always carry your heart. I will carry it in mine, tucked away inside a pretty teal box with all my hopes and prayers, and all the unsent letters I haven't had the heart to bring out into the world just yet.

I will love you forever, my girl. You are me and I am you.

Yours always,
Aia