March: What A Year This Month Has Been

Issue 08: Burnouts and taking it one day at a time

March is the one year mark of me literally staying at home. A year in and we're still here. And in even worse condition. I still don't have the energy to write about that part of my mental exhaustion, but just know that all my sentiments from a year ago are the same: I HATE IT HERE. The Filipino people deserve better than this government. I struggle internally on a daily basis thinking about the privilege I have to be able to continue living comfortably when most of the country is just trying to survive on a day to day. It has literally been a year into this. Paano na sila? Even just taking a break from social media and the news is a privilege that has helped me to be in a better mental and emotional state. Finding the balance of taking breaks and being involved is something I am practicing because we are all tired, but we can't be apathetic. We can't afford to be.

And while we are fighting this pandemic and an incompetent and negligent government, life is still happening. The world doesn't stop. Work, deadlines, birthdays, engagements, online weddings, child births, etc. There are things we need to do and moments to celebrate even in the middle of ~ this. ~

The joys I've been holding onto this past month have been the usual video calls with friends, BTS (making Yoongi Day gifts, art print gifts, and just daily Bangtan joy), and our ARMY group chat (same energy people who just get it are a gift).

I also finally let "outside people" inside the house for a haircut after a year of lockdown. This is my form of bravery. My friends and family can confirm. I also got into a leadership program for disabled youths which I am very excited about. Living a very sheltered life, I have never really been able to directly interact with the disabled community. Through this program, I look forward to learning how I can be an active part of it and later on to eventually serve the community as best I can.

Yet somewhere in between those joys, I felt a very slow burn of energy happening. I could literally feel myself being detached from work that I usually enjoy and I had no motivation to do anything anymore because, again, what's the point? I think I had mentally prepared for a year (max) of lockdown and it's only now that we're past that mark that the exhaustion is really setting in.

As an overachiever, I've been having a hard time accepting that this month I've become a "bare minimum" person who has missed multiple deadlines because I am immobilized by anxiety and just overall creatively burnt out. I have to keep reminding myself that there are really some days that your energy is only worth sending one (1) email and that's it. There are so many things I'm learning, unlearning, and re-learning about my "work self" that I thought I already knew. Especially in this set up wherein I am managing my own time and working by myself, it makes me miss having a team of creatives or even just a partner to bounce ideas off of and collaborate with.

Thankfully, this last week of March has been so much better. I am happy to report that I am now back to my regular programming, which include the will and motivation to work, creative ideas, and being present in conversations with people. I guess that creative burnout was necessary for me so that moving forward I can recalibrate my choices and schedule breaks in between as much as I can. It wasn't fun. Taking it one day at a time really helped me break down the days into bite sized pieces, whether it was just to rest and drown in BTS content or answering a few emails.

I'm still behind on some projects, but they're finally moving. I'm super lucky to have had the most patient and understanding clients. A lot of the anxiety I had was really rooted in the fear of letting them down because I knew that I wasn't at my best creative state. Now that I feel rested and energized, I'm more confident that I can deliver good work that I can be proud of and that they can be happy with.

I know it's hard to paint a picture of the future, but this is a coping mechanism for me. In the near future I look forward to being vaccinated and finally being able to see my friends. I look forward to having better time management so I can take the online classes I bought last year. I look forward to getting bigger projects that will allow me to have more time to spend my days on BTS because if I'm being completely honest, they are truly the only thing that's keeping me together. It doesn’t have to be BTS, but I wish you all have that one thing that brings you steady streams of joy and comfort.

So anyway, here's to today, tomorrow, and yesterday. I look forward to the time when they won't all be the same anymore.

Yours from afar,
Aia