Hello, dear void. It has been a literal year since my last letter and what a year it has been. I’ll fill you in on that some other time, but today I am posting this old entry here so I don’t forget (and also as requested so this one has a proper home on the internet lol).
A quick backstory
I wrote this one back in April during SUGA concert ticketing week for. Emotions were running high from all corners of the world to get tickets for BTS SUGA/Agust D’s first solo concert tour. It was quite literally a one in a million chance for me to get tickets because:
My only option was to watch in Singapore (no VISA required, good wheelchair accessibility)
Wheelchair seats are (always) limited and weren’t sold online. You had to call the ticket place via the hotline.
The odds were stacked high against me, but I prepped the best way I could. I literally made a Google doc file with the steps and details and cascaded it to my ARMY friends and they shared it to their friends. It was a whole call brigade in the year 2023, yeorobun! We were all calling and calling and calling to no avail on a Wednesday morning. But the world is abundant and teamwork makes the dream work! A friend of a friend got in and eventually got tickets and we are going to see SUGA in concert in 2 weeks!!
Naturally, after the dust settled a bit, there’s always some lingering energy of jealousy and bitterness on the Twitter, and that’s just not something I subscribe to. Personally, wala akong oras sa mga ganyan lol. Like, who has the energy? In the middle of all of that someone asked me to teach them to be optimistic, and reader, I called that bluff and said, ok BET. Always here for a self-reflection challenge.
So here’s a little something from me to you. I hope you get what you need from this one.
“When I choose to see the good side of things, I’m not being naive. It is strategic and necessary. It’s how I’ve learned to survive through everything.”
— Everything Everywhere All at Once
April 2023
This week has been a WEEK. A full rollercoaster of emotions. I hope our Inside Out headquarters are recovering well.
Yesterday I was posed with a request (challenge?): Teach me how to be optimistic like you.
This led me to do some reflection, but I think the more important question to ask is Why I’m optimistic. Because when I acknowledged my Whys in life, the Hows just became easier and easier as the years went by, and now it’s just second nature to me.
Why am I an optimist? Through my various life experiences, it’s my perspective that energy spent in self-pity, hate, envy, and jealousy is wasted energy. I was so miserable and angry and I didn’t even know it. Nakakapagod. I really think that at some point I just got so tired of everything and decided that something had to change. I had to change.
How did I change? I was honest with myself. I acknowledged that I was the problem. It’s the hardest thing to see yourself as the villain, but sometimes it’s true. Facing myself in that mirror was really the first step into my journey.
Funnily enough, a couple of other people have asked/told me the same thing this week: “I wish I could be more like you on a consistent basis.” “I wanna be profoundly optimistic like Aia.” etc etc. While I’m glad that I give off this energy, and others have followed suit, my honest response to that is the optimistic life is not for the faint hearted. You have to want it.
It’s a lot of deep, messy, ugly, but gracious and gentle inner work for peace. It comes in phases. For me, growth happens during the darkest of times because I like to think that inner peace is light. It shines the brightest in the dark. Through the years it’s become easier to feel when the room is getting dimmer and it’s time to change the bulbs.
Inner peace is the non-negotiable deep hard work I will always continuously work on. Because when you are at peace with yourself, it helps you navigate the big world out there. The big world feels overwhelming and overstimulating most of the time—both good and bad—but I have been continuously doing the work of making my inner world smaller, but sturdier and grounded.
Building a home here within myself is making sure that here is safe, here is peace, here is joy, here is love. When things get too much, I just come home to myself, and I know that whatever happens, it’s going to be ok.
When I am at home within myself, I can be a better person to everyone around me. When I am at home within myself, the rest of what the world has to offer is a “bonus.” I am grateful and content here. The world is abundant because I already have everything I need here. Everything else is an optional “add-on” and it’s up to me if it adds value to my life or not. And because I have a home within myself, I don’t lose anything when other people have “more” than me because I really don’t want anything they have. They are not my competition. I am not competing with anyone but myself. This is where the authentic “Happy for you” mantra / energy exchange is cultivated. I don’t lose anything by wishing people well because I already have enough for myself.
The energy system that keeps my inner home running is pretty simple. In general, if it’s yay energy, it’s always a yes. If it’s negative (not necessarily bad) energy, I will assess within myself first before I project it out into the world. Why does this make me feel sad, angry, frustrated, annoyed, rejected, invalidated? I then work my way through it. Everything starts and ends with me because ultimately I am the only thing I can control in all of this.
I’m not sure how being optimistic can be taught, but what I know is that multiple times in a day, everyday, you can choose the light. You can choose goodness. You can choose joy. You can choose peace. You can choose love. Not to say that you should neglect the dark, but you have to go through the dark believing that you are working towards something good. Lumaban ka. A lot of people might be willing to help you, but it won’t matter much if you don’t want it for yourself.
I am an optimist because I choose to be. This choice was made simpler the moment I recognized that I had a great support system in my family and friends. They were all just waiting for me. All I had to do was to take the hand that was reached out to me. It took me a long time, but I did.
That day I remember thinking to myself, I am so grateful to have this imperfect messy family who is trying their best to understand me and this “new normal” we’re all living together. I’m grateful to have friends who have been trying to pull me into their colorful world that I refused to be part of because I couldn’t participate in it the same way I did Before. I didn’t know it then, but that was the first time in a very long time that I chose joy. Since then, I have built that muscle that makes conscious joyful choices when they present themselves. The alternative wasn’t an option. There was nothing for me there anymore.
I cannot give you a step by step guide into becoming an optimist. I wish I could, truly. That is something you have to build for yourself. But I recommend starting with practicing gratitude. I think you will always be sad and miserable if you aren’t grateful.
My hope for you, dear reader, is that you start practicing gratitude in little things that can grow into bigger things. I hope you start making small “good energy” choices everyday and start building a small, sturdy, and grounded home within yourself that is safe, loving, joyous, peaceful, and enough.
Keep asking the inner Whys, answer them honestly, and the Hows will follow.
The world is abundant. Where there is growth, there is joy. Where there is joy, hopefully there will be you.
Always rooting for you from afar,
Aia